dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
