I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
