At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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