Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Your cock deserves a montage
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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