my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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