I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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