Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
