She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
