NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
