The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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