Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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