Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
