I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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