if only i could text you this smell
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
