you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
