dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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