I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
