remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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