i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think I have vodka in my lungs
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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