my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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