my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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