I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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