she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize