He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
