You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
