I just cut my nipple shaving
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
