I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Randomize
