im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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