The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
