Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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