Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i just had sex bonerless
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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