Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
