You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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