i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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