she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Everclear isn't food dammit
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
