I am puke
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
