You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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