All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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