ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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