I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
