I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
