i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
