I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
