my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
