I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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