you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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