i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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