The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
