I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
