i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
