i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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