When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
