the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He has the fingertips of a God
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
