I hope mine doesn't look like that
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
