He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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