I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
